The (Almost) Graduate/Script
is shelving CDs at Spin This. Jude comes up to him, eating a taco. Jude: "Dude, whatcha stockin'?" Wyatt: a CD's back "A sonic, whirling assault, lashing the ear with its wailing, teenage angst-driven fury." Jude: "Whoa. Is that good?" Wyatt: "Who knows? I'm too scared to listen to it." Serena: "Hey Wyatt–" drops the cases, shocked. "–what's the name of that new album that you were playing last night?" Wyatt: "Back Off My Chow. By DawgToy." Serena: "Oh, right. Thanks. No tacos allowed in the store, Jude." quickly shoves the taco into his mouth. Jude: "What taco?" Serena: chuckling "Nice. Very nice." smiles as she leaves and bends down to pick up the dropped cases. Jude: "Dude, are you all right?" Wyatt: "Of–of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" Jude: "Every time that Serena chick shows up, you do something stupid." Wyatt: "I do not." Serena: back with a CD "Hey, I found it." drops the cases. Serena leaves again. Jude: "Like that?" Wyatt: "Alright, so, I really like her. I mean, you know, we've gone out for coffee a couple times, and then there was Valentine's Day...but she's a year older than me." Jude: "Dude, what are you waiting for? Go and ask her out again." Wyatt: "I dunno. Maybe those were like pity dates. Not even dates, more like pity coffee! I think she's way out of my league!" Jude: "Dude, you're wigging out. You've just gotta show her you can be mature and refined too." Wyatt: "This coming from a guy who threw up in his girlfriend's mouth." smile drops off of Jude's face. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The (Almost) Graduate' ---- ''is at the Big Squeeze, talking on the phone. She looks happy. Caitlin: "No way! Duh! I am so there! Are you crazy? It's only the opportunity of a lifetime! Later!" finishes her call. Jonesy walks up. "Hey! I have the best news! You are looking at the soon-to-be newest Greeter Goddess at Albatross & Finch!" Jonesy: "Nice! So they hired you." Caitlin: "Oh no, not yet. You have to go through a very rigorous interview process. It starts today." Jonesy: "Aren't the staff there a bit stuck up?" Caitlin: "Sure, but wouldn't you be? It's like the best job in the mall." Jonesy: considering "Really? Well, as long as you're still schlepping lemons, slide me a large swirly." Caitlin: "You only order those when you get fired or dumped." Jonesy: "I got fired from Engrave This. 'Cause my spelling sucks! Did you know there was a t in Christmas?" Caitlin: "Um...yeah." Jonesy: "Maybe I should come try out too. Now that I'm out of a job. Again." Caitlin: "No offense, but I don't think you're Albatross & Finch material." Jonesy: "Says who?" Caitlin: "The Greeter Gods are like a secret society. They almost never let in outside members. Only legacies." Jonesy: "Okay, what's a legacy, and why aren't I one?" Caitlin: "It means the jobs are handed down generation to generation based on the presumption that coolness is in the genes." Jonesy: "That's it? Well look no further, people, ain't nothin' but coolness in these jeans!" Caitlin: and rolling her eyes "Okay, fine. Come if you want to. See you out front in an hour." Jonesy: a finger and pressing it against his pants "Sss. Oh yeah." ---- walks into the Penalty Box, where Jen is busy stocking shoes. Nikki: "Hey, what's up?" Jen: "Hey. On your break?" Nikki: "No, just bored." Jen: sighing "Me too." Nikki: an idea "Hey. Wanna mess with Coach Halder?" Jen: "Definitely." ---- Goldstein has tried out some baseball gloves. Coach Halder: "So, what's it gonna be, sport?" Stuart Goldstein: "Well, the leather is quite nice to the touch, but then the plastic one is cheaper." Coach Halder: him "Well, you've got five seconds on the clock to make that call. Step up to the plate, mister, throw the pass, ta–" Halder taps the cash register, and it opens. A fake spider pops out. Coach Halder and Stuart scream like little girls at the sight. Jen and Nikki, watching from behind a display, giggle at their reaction. Jen: "That was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Did you hear him scream?" Nikki: "Like a little girl!" laugh. Jen: "Got any more ideas?" Nikki: "Are you kidding? Okay, I'm gonna need a fishing pole, a dollar bill, and some fifty-pound line." ---- enters Spin This, passing two girls on the way in. Jonesy: "Ladies." Jude: to him loudly "Hey, Jonesy! Wyatt wants to ask Serena out, but he's scared because she's way too mature for him!" Jonesy: "Dude, just take control of the situation. Show her you're a man." Wyatt: "You don't get it. Every time I try to talk to her I–" Jonesy: "Turn into a wuss?" Wyatt: his gaze "Something like that." Jonesy: "Alright, I've had enough of this." loudly "Hey Serena, could you come over here for a minute?" hears and heads over. Jonesy pulls Jude behind a stack. Jude: "Hey!" Wyatt: "What are you doing?" Jonesy: "Here she comes. Don't. Blow it." Serena: "Did you call me, Wyatt?" Wyatt: "I, uh, I–" Serena: "Is something wrong, Wyatt?" Wyatt: "I–wanted to talk to you because–I–I, uh, really like you." and Jude slap their foreheads in disbelief. Jonesy: "Aw man, he blew it!" Jude: "Totally choked." Serena: "I like you too, Wyatt." Wyatt: "Really? Well, now that we've been out a few times, I just wondered, if uh..." Jonesy: to himself "Go in for the kill!" Jude: himself "Do it, dude." Wyatt: "I was wondering if you'd consider maybe, uh, being–" Serena: "Being?" Wyatt: it out "Boyfriend and girlfriend. With me." Serena: "Wyatt, I really like you, but–" Jonesy and Jude: "Ough!" Serena: "–I'm kind of older than you." Wyatt: "Only by a year." Serena: "I'm practically in college. I only have eight credits to go." Wyatt: "I'm going to college too. One day." Serena: "I just think I'm out of my high-school-boy phase. I need a more mature guy who can understand my needs. You know? I'm sorry. Can we just be friends?" Wyatt: "Sure. That's cool." walks off. Jonesy and Jude come back out. Jonesy: "Well that sucked." Jude: "Crashed and burned, huh dude?" Wyatt: "That would sum it up, yeah." Jonesy: "Dude, that was pathetic! 'Would you maybe consider waa waa waa?' You've gotta sell what you've got." Jude: "Yeah, dude, you've got a good package." Wyatt: "I think you mean I've got the whole package." sighs. "What's the use?" Jonesy: "Well if you're giving up on this hottie, I feel it's my duty to take my shottie." swaggers off. Wyatt: sarcastic "The poet laureate speaks." Jonesy: Serena "Hey babe." Serena: "Yes?" Jonesy: "I understand a mature woman like yourself would seek someone more refined. But you have so much to offer a young guy such as myself." Serena: "Oh really." Jonesy: "Think of it! You could help nurture an unformed soul." Serena: sarcastic "Oh, nurturing. Yes, that's what I wanted to do Saturday night." Jonesy: "Why would you want some over-the-hill frat boy when you could have an adoring young stud on your arm who's at your beck and call every Saturday night?" watches, shellshocked. Jude notices and puts his hand in front of Wyatt's eyes. Jude: "Look away, dude. Just look away." Serena: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're actually making sense." Jonesy: "Think of us as eager little puppies. We're easily trainable." Serena: "That's true." Jonesy: "So, are we on tonight, shorty?" rolls her eyes and walks towards Wyatt. Serena: "Wyatt? I've changed my mind about us. Meet me after our shift, and we'll give it a shot, okay?" Wyatt: she leaves "Oh, yeah. Who's the man, huh?" begins dancing. Jonesy: it off "Cool, dude. She wasn't my type, anyway." Jude: "Yeah, I think she digs smart guys." Jonesy: "Hey!" ---- is waiting outside A&F. Jonesy arrives. Caitlin: "Finally! Where have you been?" Jonesy: "Scoring Wyatt a date, then the hot dog stand." scarfs the sausage, dripping mustard on his shirt. "Ready?" notices the mustard. "Oh! Gotcha." licks it off and enters the store. Caitlin: around "This is so huge. By tomorrow, I could be just like them!" Jonesy: "What, bored?" Caitlin: "No, beautiful! And popular!" Jonesy: at a jacket "These clothes look like someone else already wore them." Caitlin: "Yeah, that's the idea? They're vintage wash." Jonesy: "Well excuse me. Just seems kinda dumb." Caitlin: "Ssh!" Jonesy: "If I wanted used clothes, I'd–" Caitlin: "Would you shut up? Let's just get to the auditions!" Jonesy: her unhappily, mocking her "Let's just get to the auditions!" ---- the auditions is a long line. Carson: someone "Your abs are ripped, dude!" Greeter God unhooks the velvet rope at the front. Blonde Greeter God: "You're up." Darth: "This is it." walks out to be judged. Jonesy: "Hey, good luck, dude!" aside "I hope he takes rejection well." Caitlin: "Okay. I've been working on my facial expressions. The bored smirk." demonstrates. "The aloof stare." demonstrates. Jonesy: "Whoa! I felt that one." Caitlin: "Totally. And how about 'the hoodies are in the back' sneer?" demonstrates. Jonesy: "I don't get what the big deal is. I mean, it's just a store." line gasps in shock and horror. Caitlin: covering "He suffered a concussion recently! Skiing at Whistler." crowd relaxes, accepting the excuse. Jonesy: "Okay, that was creepy." lightly slaps his body. "Ow!" Caitlin: "Do not blow this for me!" Jonesy: "Hey, I've got a few expressions up my sleeve, sweetheart. Check out my 'I'm hotter than you' stare." Caitlin: "It looks like you have to go to the bathroom." Jonesy: "Yeah, I kinda do." ---- and Jen sit in the penalty box on a twenty minute penalty. Jen: "Nice going. I could have gotten in here without your help, you know." Nikki: "It was a foolproof plan! How was I supposed to know he was so cheap he'd follow a dollar bill right into a climbing wall?" Jen: "Yeah, well I'm going to be on probation for the rest of my life." Nikki: thinking "Huh. I wonder how they remove a fishhook from a nose anyway." ---- is dragging Darth out of the store. Darth: "No, you don't understand! I'm a people person, a people person!" Ron: him out "Please...have a little dignity, son." Greeter God unhooks the rope and lets Caitlin and Jonesy go in. Jonesy: "Gee thanks." head behind a wall. A spotlight shines on them. The two are in front of a panel of three judges. Caitlin: a pause "Okay, I so want to work here!" Greeter God: "Yeah, we got that? Why?" Caitlin: "If you have to work retail, Albatross & Finch is like the only socially acceptable store. The '94 Spring catalog changed my life." redhead judge whispers into the blonde's ear. Jonesy is picking lint out of his belly button. Caitlin: "I have all of the required facial expressions. Don't ask me because I don't care." demonstrates. "You'd look fat in anything." shows it off. "I could go in the back and check but, I won't." Look. Blonde Greeter God: Jonesy "So, how about you?" Jonesy: "Just got fired. Didn't have anything better to do." Greeter Gods and Goddesses: "Hmm..." Jonesy: "Hey, is this gonna take much longer?" redhead whispers into the blonde's ear again. Blonde Greeter God: "That's it, wait outside." Caitlin: angrily "What was that? Ugh! I just hope they don't hold you against me!" ---- interviews have finished. Blonde Greeter God: "Okay, I'm gonna call out the names of our new Greeter Gods. If you don't hear your name, it basically means you're not cool enough." crosses her fingers. "Jonesy." crowd gasps. Caitlin: "What?" Jonesy: "Who, me? Why?" Blonde Greeter God: "Well, you have that detached self-involved egotism that Albatross & Finch stands for." Jonesy: "Thanks. I guess." Red-haired Greeter Goddess: him in "Welcome to our crew." Blonde Greeter God: "Okay, that's it." crowd gasps. Caitlin: "That's it? No, wait! I love this place I live for this place! Can I at least come on the annual ski trip?" Red-haired Greeter Goddess: "I can't watch." Jonesy: "She really wanted this job." Blonde Greeter God: "Everyone wants this job. C'mon, let's get you into training." Greeter Gods and Goddesses move away. Caitlin: "No, wait! I belong here, I do!" Darth: up to her "I feel your pain, sister. I feel your pain." begins to cry at the knowledge that, aesthetically, she's in the same coolness category as Darth. ---- walks through the mall with Jen and Nikki. Wyatt: "So how do I impress her? I mean, she's mature and I'm just–not." Nikki: "Don't sweat it." Jen: "Yeah. Of the six of us, you're like...the third most mature." Wyatt: "Wait. Who's more mature than me?" Jen: "Well, Nikki. Except for today." Nikki: "Thank you." Jen: "And me." Wyatt: "You are not more mature!" Jen: "Am so!" Wyatt: "Are not!" Jen: "Am so! Nikki, tell him I'm more mature!" Nikki: sarcastic "Gee, you both make such convincing arguments." Wyatt: "Okay. I need some relationship advice." Nikki: "Hmm. Caitlin reads all those magazines. Maybe she can help you." Wyatt: "Yes, that's good. C'mon." ---- is hiding in the closed lemon. Jude is trying to cheer her up. Jude: "I hear ya, bra. But you're not a loser. Take a couple of deep breaths. There. Now don't you feel better?" hugs the store. Jen, Wyatt, and Nikki walk up and look shocked to see this. Jen: "Guys, I think he's finally lost it." Jude: the stand "I still think you're cool." Nikki: "Uh, Jude, what are you doing?" Jude: "Caitlin locked herself inside the lemon and she won't come out." Jen: worried "Caitlin? Are you okay?" Caitlin: tearful "Go away!" Nikki: "What's the matter?" Caitlin: sniffling "Jonesy got hired at Albatross & Finch and I didn't! It's so unfair! He'll be going on Cargo Encounter weekend! Folding seminars at camp, parties at cabins on the lake, and I won't!" Jen: "Oh don't cry, Caitlin. I've heard those parties aren't even that fun." Caitlin: "Have you seen the catwalks? Jude, show them!" begins wailing. Jude: up a catalog "It does look kinda cool. 'Cept for people who work at a clothing store, they sure don't pack many clothes." Nikki: "Caitlin, please come out. People are starting to stare." the bystanders "Oh, what, and you've never talked to big giant fruit before?" bystanders quickly scatter. Caitlin: "I'm not coming out." Wyatt: "Okay, I know you're bummed, but I need your help with a relationship problem. I'm desperate!" lifts the top half of the lemon a few inches. Caitlin: "What kind of relationship problem?" Wyatt: "She's an older woman, and I need to learn to act mature." Caitlin: "And I'm the only person in the whole world who could help you?" Wyatt: "Look who I have to choose from." Jen: "Hey!" smacks him with the rolled-up catalog. opens the lemon fully. The four are all shocked by her disheveled appearance. Wyatt, Jen, Nikki, and Jude: "Ooh!" Caitlin: "I guess I could help then." Wyatt: "Thank you." Jen: "You might want to fix yourself up a bit." Caitlin: her ruined mascara "Oh I'm hideous, aren't I?" Jen, Jude, Caitlin, and Wyatt: "Oh, no no no." Jude: "Totally babealicious." Caitlin: "Really? Okay. Thanks guys." ---- and Wyatt are hiding in some bushes. Wyatt: "Why are we hiding in these bushes?" Caitlin: "To watch how mature couples behave in their natural habitat. Observe." adult couple walks by. "A mature man never holds hands. He puts his arm protectively around his partner in a mating stance that says 'I'm mature and ready to commit to this woman'." Wyatt: "Arm around her waist. Got it." Jude: by, doing a handstand on his skateboard "WHA-HA-HA-HA!!!" slams into a trash bin and falls in. He looks out into the faces of the mature couple. Jude: "Dude." man rolls his eyes, and they walk off. Caitlin: "Note that the mature male is more calm and confident, not prone to displays of plumage or loud outbursts." Wyatt: "The mature male seems a bit boring." Caitlin: "Not to the mature female!" man's girlfriend kisses him. "See how she rewards him with signs of her affection?" Wyatt: again "Hmm." ---- two have moved on to having lunch at Super Terrific Happy Sushi. Wyatt and Caitlin are still in bushes. Wyatt: "This is getting boring. They haven't talked in half an hour." Caitlin: "Mature couples are comfortable with silence. What did you notice about the mature male's order?" Wyatt: "Uh...it arrived promptly?" Caitlin: "No. The mature male orders mature food. No french fries, a salad. The more strange the salad, the more mature it is." Wyatt: "So...a green salad?" Caitlin: "Not that mature." Wyatt: "Sun-dried tomato and goat cheese?" Caitlin: "Mature. The mature male pays the bill and doesn't complain about it." Wyatt: "Being mature is expensive then." Caitlin: "Do you want Serena to go for you or not?" Wyatt: "Okay, okay!" look back at the restaurant. Caitlin: "Where did they go?" Wyatt: "I don't know!" mature male clears his throat. The couple are right behind them. Mature Female: "You're freaking us out." Caitlin and Wyatt: "Sorry." couple leave. Wyatt gets out of the bushes and checks the time on his phone. Wyatt: "I gotta go. Serena's about to come off shift." Caitlin: "I've given you all the tools you need. You're ready!" Wyatt: "Thanks Caitlin. Wish me luck!" Caitlin: "Luck!" herself "Boy, I'm good." Jude, and Jen come up behind her. Jude: "So, did helping Wyatt take your mind off of Albatross & Finch?" and Nikki gape at Jude's stupidity. Caitlin begins to weep again and runs off. Jen and Nikki look at Jude angrily. Nikki: "Nice." ---- is working. Two girls pass him. Jonesy: "Oh, yeah. This job rocks." Carson: him "Those pants are so cool!" Jonesy: "Pulverized Low-Slung Camping Shorts. Sizes 30 through 38, back of the store." Carson: "Thanks, dude!" heads off to get a pair. Jonesy: "I am so good at this!" Blonde Greeter God: up to him "Yo, new guy. It's our policy to ignore customers outright." Jonesy: "How will they find what they're looking for?" Blonde Greeter God: off "That's not our problem." Jonesy: "This place is so stupid." walks past. "Then again..." ---- is at El Sporto's with Serena. The table is shrouded in silence. Serena: "Is something wrong, Wyatt?" Wyatt: "No. Why?" Serena: "You haven't said a word since we met at the record store." Wyatt: "I'm comfortable with silence." Serena: "Okay then." Waitress: up "Can I take your order?" Wyatt: "Do you have a goat-cheese salad?" Waitress: "Goat's cheese?" Wyatt: "Uh...I'll have a green salad." Waitress: "Right. And to drink?" Wyatt: "Can I have a margarita?" Waitress: "Can I see some ID?" Wyatt: "Uh..." Waitress: "Virgin margarita coming right up. For you?" Serena: "A hot dog and fries, please." Wyatt: "Uh..." Waitress: "Got it." to the kitchen "One hot dog and fries, and a salad for the fancy boy!" grins nervously. ---- and Serena are at the movies watching a somewhat immature show. Wyatt: "Just so you know, I wanted to take you to see that new political documentary." Serena: "That's cool." laughs at an event onscreen. leaves his seat and walks to the side of the theater. He calls someone. Jonesy: "Hey there!" Wyatt: "You've gotta help me, man! I'm with Serena and I can't do anything right!" Jonesy: "Dude–" Movie: "Dude, we've got four hundred seniors in the pool. What could go wrong?" Jonesy: the dialogue "Is that Jerry and Pete Get Busted? I love that movie!" Wyatt: "That's my point! Caitlin tried to show me how to act mature, but it's not working!" Movie: "Dude, put your pants on, or we'll get busted!" chuckles on the other end, remembering the scene. Wyatt: "I'll bet she's so sorry she went out with me right now." is laughing. Serena: "This is just like the seniors' party last year, remember?" notices Wyatt has left. "Wyatt?" Jonesy: "Dude, girls don't know what girls want." Wyatt: "That sounds so ridiculous that I'm tempted to believe you." Jonesy: "Believe it. All women, young and old, want a man to tell them what they want to hear." Wyatt: "Quick, give me one of your best lines." whispers into the phone. In the background, Caitlin walks through the store. Wyatt: "I can't say that!" Jonesy: "Gotta go. Good luck, buddy." hangs up. Wyatt: panicked "Jonesy? Jonesy?" Serena: up behind him "Wyatt, are you okay?" Wyatt: "Baby...uh, you may be older than me, but, I'm the Discovery channel, and you just got cable." Serena: chuckling "What's with you today?" Usher: "Dude, if you're gonna use cheesy lines like that, can you at least take it outside?" ---- and Serena walk through the Gigantoplex lobby. Wyatt: "Oh, man, I must be desperate to impress you if I'm stumped into Jonesy's lines." Serena: "You mean that's why you've been putting on this act the whole night?" Wyatt: "Well, you're so mature, and together, and beautiful, and I really wanted this date to work out." Serena: "You know, I like your lines a lot better, Wyatt." Wyatt: "So...what now?" Serena: "I have a great idea. C'mon." pulls Wyatt after her. ---- creeps through Albatross & Finch, selecting clothes. Jill: her "What are you doing?" surprised, drops the clothes. Caitlin: "Nothing! Just buying some clothes–" Jill: them up "Hey. Only the Greeter Goddesses get to purchase this combination of tube top and cargo skirt." Jonesy: them "Hmm..." Caitlin: "But–" Jonesy: to himself "I can't believe this." Red-haired Greeter Goddess: up "Was she trying to buy our uniform?" Jill: "Yeah. How sad is that? We don't let just anybody dress like us." Caitlin: "Aw, please please please?" Jonesy: angry "That's it, I've had enough of these Greeter Snobs for one day! Time to shake this place up a bit." Jill: Caitlin "We're beautiful. We are the chosen ones. We're–" noise distracts her. "Oh, okay. What is that–" stops midsentence and stares. Jonesy is perched atop a stack, acting like the models in the A&F catalog. Jonesy: "Nobody makes fun of my girl!" slings a tube top into the redhead's face. crowd of teens has gathered to watch the show. They cheer and laugh at the stuck-up goddess. Blonde Greeter God: up "What are you doing?" Jonesy: "Just acting like the guys in your catalog, bro, trying to support the team." drops his pants. Blonde Greeter God: "Dude, you are so fired." Jonesy: "And you are way too lame for us to hang out with." hops off the stand. Caitlin: "Yeah!" Jonesy: "C'mon, Caitlin, let's blow this chicken coop." two leave, cheered on by the crowd, who are glad to see the mighty A&F employees get taken down a notch. Caitlin: "Um, you can put your cargos back on now." ---- Caitlin: how Jonesy got fired "And then he mooned the entire store!" Jude: "Cool." Nikki: "Once again, you've managed to sneak up and impress me. And you did it by mooning people! Go figure." Jonesy: "Hey, when you've got a rear view this good, you can't hide it forever." Nikki: "And then you go and blow it again." Wyatt: up hand-in-hand with Serena "Hey guys." Jen, Jonesy, and Caitlin: "Hi!" Jude: "Hey dude." Nikki: "Hey guys." Serena: "We just rode the Vomit Comet 11 times!" Wyatt: "It was such a blast! I felt like a little kid again!" Serena: "Again? Huh? Nice try, junior!" playfully shoves Wyatt. Wyatt: "Hey! You're only one year older!" Serena: "A year and a half!" grabs him. Wyatt: from her grasp "Whoop! Missed me!" and Serena laugh. Wyatt runs away. Serena: "Yeah, you better run!" gives chase, still laughing. Jude: "Real mature, dude." Category:Season 1